Letter to my ex friends

It feels a little sad/silly that I am writing this but I need my closure even if you don't. I know I shouldn't be surprised at all that our friendship has come to this. Doesn't hurt as much as it did eight months ago but it still smarts a little. Maybe because when I invest in a friendship, I mean it. No bs, no being sneaky, no pretence. The long walks, the long talks, the laughter, the tears, the hugs, the meals, the road trips... I did all of them because I saw you as my friends. People I trusted and I could count on. People I would have been willing to work through the gritty, shitty parts with. Nobody's perfect. I am far from perfect. But I don't cut and run when things get rough. Like you did.

From the very first time we got to know you, your story was always that of the victim. You like playing that role very much. Everyone else is mean and out to hurt you. Everyone wants to see you fail. Your parents, your in-laws, your siblings, the people you knew back then in SG, the friends you had made earlier in Perth... all villains. Should have known sooner or later, we'd become a part of that narrative. You've also shared with us the times you've cut people off, hid from them, not told them your new address when you moved... So it's really not surprising you've gone and done this to us. 

I was so taken by your overwhelming kindness and generosity when we first got to know you. We only knew a couple of people here back then so you can imagine how happy I was to have new, seemingly loving, loyal friends in a foreign land. We included you in our inner circle. We introduced you to our family when they came. You were like family to us. You encouraged me to start selling my homemade pies and I was thrilled to receive the encouragement. But we learnt quickly that whatever you set out to do, you're always out to prove something. To yourselves? To others? You're also always in a big hurry to get things done. That must be exhausting. No one is here to compete with you. We've all got different dreams, different goals. Get over yourselves.

You're wondering why I'm being such a bitch? I am not as breezy and laid-back as some would assume. I will definitely not be taken for a fool. I'm here to let you know that you make bloody lousy friends. You were good at pretending to be marvellous ones though. But friends give and take. Friends maintain honesty and loyalty at the same time. Friends forgive shortcomings. Friends go through a rough patch and come back stronger. Friends do things sincerely. You do none of those things. And since you can cut us off just like that, I guess you didn't actually see us as your friends. You are not as genuine and gentle as you portray yourselves to be. In fact, you said unkind things about people pretty often. And I happen to have an excellent memory. But i'll keep those for another day.

I was looking through my social media. You featured quite a lot on them back then. I have since removed those posts because you do not deserve to be there. And your posts... You're not always telling the whole truth there, are ya? Oh well. Who's really telling the whole truth, right? I'm curious though, why are you always leaving/rejoining? Why so afraid all the time? Who's after you? Who's out to hurt you? Your strange behaviour didn't just show on social media. It happened in real life too. You'd be all hot, then all cold. After a while, we had to second-guess everything you said or did. Are you staying this time or are you going to do the disappearing act again? It was so tiresome.

Whenever we went out and the sad-story floodgates opened, I listened and I tried to empathise. I did my best to be supportive and give you a kind word or advice. It's always me listening, you talking. And it's always that phoenix-rising-from-its-ashes complex. You are the hardworking and enterprising ones who never gave up despite the odds, the strong and brave ones who have forged your own paths here, the helpful and kind ones who want nothing in return, the God-loving ones who feel most blessed for all you've been given, etc etc etc. Honestly, you're not that special. None of us are, actually. 

I'm guessing you cut me off because I said something or posted something on social media that affected you. Do we threaten you that much? And do not immediately assume when people treat you a certain way, it is because they are envious of your success. Turun dari langit tu, please. I was really tired of the constant doubts surrounding our friendship and I guess that was how I reacted to the situation. I absolutely hated putting up those snarky posts meant for you. I am taking ownership of that. But they are really good life lessons though, so I'll keep them there for myself.

I was feeling downright lousy about this whole drama until a friend said, once in a while, it's ok kalau kita jadi villain. Well say hello to the new villain in your ever-growing collection. So what are you going to do now? Hide away in the hills? Pack up and run? Do you find yourselves looking over your shoulders when you're having a meal outside or when you're out and about? Because Perth is kinda small, ya? Don't worry. If we ever meet in public, I'll be polite and cordial. I promise. 

You know, I'm mostly pleasant and agreeable. I can even be quite funny. I am generally kind and thoughtful but I can be direct and brutally honest too. I can hold an enlightened conversation if a friend needs one. I have a decent tolerance for people's crap (and I know people tolerate mine) and apparently I am a pretty good listener nowadays. But this experience brought out this other person in me. I hated it. I'm too old for this shit so I'm letting this go now. All the best with everything. You guys taught me a lot. About friendship. About people. About myself. May you find friends that you can keep and who will keep you.

These things happen to show us how to be better versions of ourselves, I guess? Unfortunately it also means we become harder, more guarded, and not as open as before.