Love-hating my 40s.

grief has changed me

Here's the ugly truth: It hasn't been all fun, starting life in a new country just as I am hitting a new decade in life. The last 5 years have been a crazy rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I think the struggle i'm facing is a real immigrant-type struggle. Other times I wonder if it's just my hormones and thyroid issues talking. My husband says i've changed since losing my Baba. I'm not the same person anymore - not as light and as joyful. I don't disagree. And since then, I've lost Quiggy, and I've lost a good friend to cancer. Sure, grief does something to you. It alters you. It wires your brain differently. I catastrophise so much more now. But it's not just grief that has changed me; the last 5 years have been challenging in so many ways I never imagined before coming here.

fear of being left alone

My confidence in myself and everything/everyone around me started waning in my second year here. By then we were stuck here for 2 years already. Being locked down just as we were starting out in a foreign place has definitely developed a new fear in me. I have spoken about this before. This feeling of isolation/abandonment/being forgotten has stayed with me till today even though the pandemic is long over (and i suspect for as long as i live). Occasionally I rile my husband up with outbursts of "What will I do if you die first?" and "I have nobody here, I don't belong here!" and "If you go first, I'm going to pack my bag and go home!" The scary thing is, every time I say it, I feel like I actually mean it.

deprived of connections

It is so hard to find real, lasting connections here that make me feel safe and happy. The failure of one particular friendship I had invested in so much during our early years here has really affected me. I am so wary now, so much more guarded. I want closeness and community but as soon as it gets too cosy, i shut people out. I feel lonely. But sometimes I'd rather be alone. I crave connection, but i'm not willing to open up. Maybe being 45 has something to do with it. I am too tired to people-please. I want something steady. Something easy. I don't want drama. I definitely don't want to sit and listen to someone else talk about THEIR DRAMA without them ever checking in on me. But... I am learning to protect myself better. To accept where I stand on someone's list of priorities. And to say no, I choose not to make time for you today. These are very hard lessons to learn at 45.

levothyroxine overdose

I woke up today and it hit me. Things also started going downhill the minute I started on my thyroid medication back in 2022. One of the common side effects of levothyroxine is anxiety (YAY!!!) When I was first prescribed this medication, i was overdosing and in a constant state of anxiety. Hypothyroidism itself is a joy to deal with - fatigue, irregular heart rate, cold sensitivity, weight gain, hair loss - so imagine dealing with all that PLUS the anxiety that comes with the medication. WOO HOO! That was the same time we were living in the cottage house and I was freaking out in the summer. It was also the same time I was working at the early school and coming home overstimulated every day. I had to figure out on my own what was the right dose to take, believe it or not. And now I think I want to cut it back down even more and rely on more natural remedies.

looking for softness

I see ridiculously funny videos all the time of people in their 40s showing how life has changed drastically for them. I laugh. But I also know it's all so real. These aches and pains... their loyalty and fortitude know no bounds. I have a pain on my left side that has stuck with me for months now. Because Extra Firm mattress is not okay anymore. We looked at mattresses the other day. Damn they cost a fortune. But it has to be done because apparently I now need something softer, just like I apparently need a lot more softness in so many aspects of my life now. I only ever wear Skechers. Those or my Uggs. I swear by Kmart cotton and the occasional Uniqlo. My skin and mental health react to synthetics. I can't stand structured clothes. And bags. I only ever want to watch reruns because they're familiar, gentle, like old friends. Even my tummy prefers softness now: bananas, oats, avocados, greek yogurt, milk.

self-love is hard

Sometimes I look into the mirror and go WHO THE HELL IS THAT? All that talk about self-love... man it's hard at this age. I take lots of photos and videos of others. I don't take as many of myself. I can't stand how I look sometimes. I would use a filter or a face editing app and admire this better version of myself for a couple of minutes (and consequently feel even worse) before deleting all of it. When did I start looking and feeling like a middle-aged woman? Oh right. Since I became one. I am learning to embrace my flaws. Don't tell me all that crap about how my flaws make me beautiful. They don't. But, I'm learning to appreciate the bigger details: I am alive, I am well, I am loved, I am living a sweet, simple life. So many, many good things to focus on, and to be grateful for.

freaking out over everything

A random pain or discomfort somewhere can send me into complete overdrive. I remember panicking one evening because the food on the table was not looking as sharp anymore. Am I going blind? Am i dying? Then my husband suggested I get some reading glasses. READING GLASSES?! WHAT?! Went to the pharmacy. Tried a pair on. OH! I can see now. In March this year I woke up with numbness on my left side (errr... remember the Extra Firm mattress?) Had lunch at a chinese restaurant that day. Felt a funny sensation in my mouth. Freaked out. My jaws tightened. Thought I was getting a heart attack. Insisted my husband take me to the emergency department. Waited 4 hours. Got my ECG done. Doctor tells me my heart is doing great. Held his arm and cried, I was so relieved. I also learnt later the funny sensation in my mouth was caused by the damn Sichuan pepper they use in the dish. Have not patronised that restaurant since.

the procedure i needed

ALL of it... ALLLLL of it... has culminated in the gut issues i have been having for as long as I can remember since I've been here. And they got really bad the middle of this year. Of course being me, I feared the worst. But my husband's wisdom kicked in. So finally I decided to face my fears and go for a gastroscopy. The poor man had to bear the complete meltdowns that happened every few days leading up to the date of the procedure. The results were as good as one could expect knowing my history: mild esophagitis and duodenitis. Definitely caused by stress more than anything else. Stress and spicy food.

hello the rest of my 40s

So now that I have a diagnosis, I am in control again. I am determined to treat myself better. To heal. It was the procedure that not only my body needed, but my mind and soul too. I know I will still wake up wondering if my tummy is going to give me issues that day. But now I am armed with what to do to help myself when I run into tummy trouble. And with all the other things I shared, I know what to do now to take better care of me. It won't be perfect, but it'll be better. I wake up every day now with the new knowledge that even if the first 5 years of my 40s was kinda shite, it doesn't mean the second 5 has to be.

Ice cream is an excellent remedy for stress and spicy food. Clearly it has to be staple in my diet. This was us in Cottesloe enjoying some super melty gelatos.