Baba and The Moth.

Last November and December were the hardest months I'd ever faced in my life. U know how u hear stories and you go, well, that's not going to be my story. HAH. I was one of those people in those damn stories. My Baba's condition had deteriorated. On one of the last videocalls I made to him, he cried and struggled to say what he wanted to say. He couldn't understand why he wasn't able to string a proper sentence anymore. He wasn't able to type out coherent messages anymore in our chatgroup. By the time he was warded that last time, he was disoriented and hallucinating, and then he slipped into a semi-conscious/ unconscious state. The days following were just strange. I hung on to my phone, to every ring, every beep. I was prepared. But I was frightened as hell.

I was told that when he had gained consciousness for a bit, he asked for me first. And when he was unconscious, every time he heard my voice on videocall, his arms would jerk. I hope that he heard me all those times I spoke to him. I remember his eyes opened for a bit and someone rushed to make a videocall to me. I recited the dua kalimah syahadah 3 times to his ears. And he closed his eyes again. And didn't open them anymore till the end. I still talk to him. And say my prayers for him. I hope he receives them.

How does one survive these things? I'm someone who turns to nature a lot for healing. But again, I didn't think I was going to be one of those people in those stories. Wrong. On the eve of Baba's passing, I was bringing in clothes from the line outside and folding them when something went fluttering at my legs. I screamed. A big moth had landed on my shirt. It flew to the glass door and settled there. And strangely enough, I felt calm almost immediately after that. I talked a little to the moth. I asked it if Baba sent it here. In fact, I even took a nap on the couch right next to the glass door later. It stayed for a few hours and then when Shai came back, we released it in the courtyard.

My Baba passed away peacefully early the next day. Shai and I decided to grab some breakfast at a cafe that's a 15-min drive away from home before the funeral started. I was sitting down waiting for my food when a big moth (i swear it looked identical to the one from the day before) landed on me. On me. It stayed on my back for a while before flying all over the cafe. Strangely, just like that, I felt a heaviness lifted off me. I knew Baba was okay. That all will be okay. I was mostly calm during the funeral. And able to haltingly read the Surah Yassin for Baba. I wasn't able to hug him or kiss him one last time but I was finding closure my own way.

This moth story is not done by the way. That same night, we heard fluttering in the garage. The cats went nuts! But I had a little chat with my moth friend and I told it that I was alright and it needed to go now. I found it on the floor the next morning and buried it under one of our shrubs. U know, 2 years in Perth, not once did we encounter this species of moth... definitely none had landed on me before like these ones did. There are so many beliefs regarding a moth's visit. But I choose the one that says "A moth represents tremendous change, but it also seeks the light. The spiritual meaning is to trust the changes that are happening and that freedom and liberation are around the corner."

I spent the next few weeks sharing funny little stories about Baba on IG. I dreamt of him often. And they were really vivid dreams. I would share those dreams on IG too, just so I'd have a collection to look back on. In most of my dreams, Baba was quiet and smiling. In one of the last dreams I had of him, he actually said to me "I'm okay". That's all he said. Some days I'd break down and bawl my eyes out listening to his favourite songs. I still do 6 months on. But most days I'm good. Thank you Baba for sending that little messenger to me to tell me everything's going to be okay. Thank you for the dreams. Thank you for the funny stories that we made together when you were around. I will take you wherever I go and we shall seek future adventures together with you in my heart. PS See his cute teeth? Yep... got mine from him!

Some days I brace myself and look at old photos of my Baba. I see how long I can last without bawling. I don't think it gets that much better. But perhaps it gets sweeter? I smile more before i start crying now.